Another dynamic that happens when we are cut off from our mother’s love too soon is that we develop patterns of dissociation. The pain and confusion of being abandoned by our life source is more than our unformed self can process, and in order to deal with it we simply block it out; we cut ourselves off from the painful sensations and feelings.

In Perfect Love, John Welwood describes this phenomenon: “Dissociation is our mind’s way of saying no to and turning away from our pain, our sensitivity, our need for love, our grief and anger about not getting enough of it, and from our body as well, where these feelings reside.” 2

When we become cut off in this way, it makes it that much more difficult for us, because our body and our feelings are the very things we need to stay in touch with if we hope to find healing of our situation. We grow into adults who live mostly in our heads, and as long as we remain there we feel stuck and find it impossible to make our journey back home.

Another problem with dissociation is that fundamentally it doesn’t work. We may succeed in suppressing our woundedness for a limited time, but even so, just because we aren’t conscious of it doesn’t make it actually go away. At a deeper level our hurt feelings are acutely present, and there is a tremendous storm brewing in our being. That storm eventually arises in all kinds of symptoms, including anxiety, different health and emotional problems, and various forms of anger.

Furthermore, when we dissociate from our feelings and body, we live a state of perpetual struggle, because we are continually at war with our own being. Our deeper self is driven to somehow find wholeness, and whether we are aware of it or not, this drive is ever trying to push our feelings of woundedness to the surface. Until we allow it to surface and start the process of resolving it, our buried pain will ceaselessly try and get our attention.

In the end, our feelings will prevail, because the inner desire for wholeness is akin to the will to live, and it will never ever give up. Thus because we are fighting a battle we can never win, we experience deep and powerful frustration in our lives. This kind of struggle lays beneath the surface of virtually all cases of problematic anger.

Continued in Origins of Anger VII

By Craig Mollins