Anger management is a tough go. Nobody wants to be angry, yet many of us find ourselves locked into this painful emotion time and time again, sometimes for years on end. We move through our days being triggered by people and situations, and we carry around an angry black cloud which poisons our mind, destroys our relationships, and steals our clarity and joy.

We may try to deal with our anger through anger management and we may have some success, but still we find anger returning despite our efforts and our wish it would just stop. This is part of the journey through anger, and it doesn’t necessarily go away quickly even though we are doing all the right things. We definitely can release our grip on anger but it usually takes time and effort to make progress.

There are many reasons why we get stuck in habitual anger, many of which are discussed in other articles here on wisdomangermanagement. This article looks at one particular reason and presents a powerful exercise to address it. One reason we have a difficult time unlearning the habit of anger is that usually when anger occurs, we’re too busy living our life to stop and address the situation. Normally when anger occurs we don’t have the time and space to give it some attention. If we could experience anger in a more predictable way, and if we had the leisure to stop and work with our mind, we would be in a much better position to step out of the trap.

In the following anger management exercise you are asked to deliberately move into anger provoking situations so you have the chance to face your anger in a more predictable manner. The idea is to willingly and consciously let yourself be provoked by anger in a context where you have some time and space. This will give you some strength and leverage to work with your state of mind. Here’s what you do:

-Set aside an afternoon and take a long walk somewhere where there are a lot of people. Go to a shopping mall, walk around downtown, something like this.

-As you walk about notice how people trigger your anger. Look for people that cause judgement and criticalness to arise, notice when you feel offended, when someone irritates you, notice when you feel hatred towards someone, etc. For some of us this is easy as almost everyone pisses us off at some level. In any case just keep walking around noticing your anger responses to various people you see.

-Do this first stage for an hour or so and then stop for a break. Go for a cup of tea or juice, and relax for a time.

-Then continue on your walkabout, and this time you will apply an ‘on the spot anger management antidote’. Each time you walk by someone and your anger is triggered, say the following mantra to yourself: Deep inside I don’t want to be angry at you. Despite whatever angry feelings I have towards you, may you be happy and at your ease. When you say the mantra try and say it free of any expectations. The idea isn’t to mentally create a particular result, but rather to allow the power of the words to connect with our inner nature, which is caring and compassionate.

In our heart we all have a deeper intention to be free of anger, to not cause harm, and to love ourselves and others unconditionally. We all have this as our basic nature, whether we are aware of it or not. Nobody wants to be in pain and cause others to suffer, and even when we how locked into habitual anger patterns this deeper heart intention is still there. The idea with this exercise is that we are communicating with this basic nature, evoking it and allowing it to infiltrate our anger.

An interesting and importing point here is that this process works at a deeper level than the mental thinking brain, and it may or may not have a particular result right then and there. Our mental thinking brain is where we get locked into anger; it is how we keep ourselves disconnected from our inner feelings. Therefore with this exercise, the instruction is to release your preconceptions and expectations, which are a product of the thinking brain. The more you can let go of expecting a particular result, i.e. the more you can let go of trying to control the outcome of the exercise, the better.

Thus the instruction is very simple: When you experience anger during the walkabout, say the mantra: Deep inside I don’t want to be angry at you. Despite whatever angry feelings I have towards you, may you be happy and at your ease. Say this mantra once twice or several times, then let it go, and continue on your walkabout, allowing your experience to unfold however it does.

This exercise re-trains your response to anger at various levels. It brings awareness to your anger patterns, it helps you take charge of your own state of mind, it re-structures the knee jerk “me verses you” polarity of anger, and it connects you with kindness and love, within yourself and with other people. By deliberately allowing yourself to be provoked by people, and then consciously relating with both your anger and with the other person, you are creating tremendous leverage to tame your wild mind and discover wisdom inside your heart.

Deep inside I don’t want to be angry at you. Despite whatever angry feelings I have towards you, may you be happy and at your ease.

Try doing this anger management walkabout once per week, making it a regular part of your routine.

By Craig Mollins