A common cause of pent-up, restricted anger that many of us experience comes from not speaking our mind. Everybody knows what it’s like to not say something when you know you should. We all have a friend or partner or co-worker who has some habit that pushes our buttons, but we habitually don’t voice our thoughts, until it’s progressed so far that it’s becomes full-blown anger.

For example say you have a movie buddy, and they eat popcorn with their mouth open, and with every crunch you want to say, “Are you aware that you are making a loud crunching sound when you eat popcorn, and that people are actually looking over this way?”

That’s what you want to say, but how often do you actually say it? OK so you do say it sometimes, but if you’re not saying it more than you are, something is out of balance there. If you chronically keep it inside instead of speaking up, a whole drama can build up until you find yourself in a very awkward position. At first you get mildly irritated, and then after a while you become hotly irritated, and then when you add this to other secret complaints you have about this friend, your un-communication grows into resentment and becomes a barrier to your connection.

We all do this, and on the one hand it’s not a big deal to ignore little irritations, and in fact we can’t go around voicing them every time they come up. But on the other hand if we have a chronic behavior pattern of not speaking up, our connections with people become stifled. To change this we need to free up our friendly assertive skills and speak our mind more often.

A study was performed where one hundred people were asked the question, “If there were something about your behavior that bothered a friend, would you want that friend to tell you?” Interestingly, well over 90% of respondents said “Yes.” Then a second question was asked, “If there were something about a friend that bothered you, would you tell them?” Again, over 90% shared the same response, except this time it was “No.”

So that doesn’t work does it? We want people to give us feedback, but we don’t want to do the same for them. It’s an interesting meditation to reflect on what’s behind the discrepancy.

Our ability to be honest with ourselves and others is a powerful tool in helping us release anger and have healthy relationships. It’s just not possible to be around other people all the time if you can’t speak with them in some degree of honesty. If we can’t communicate uncomfortable information with each other, that uncomfortable information soon becomes uncomfortable feelings which, if continued too long can easily grow into smoldering resentment.

On the other hand when we speak up, it not only relieves us of the burden of carrying around our secret resentments, but it brings an alive buoyancy to our relationships. If we can be direct with each other in a kind manner, we become stronger, happier, and more vibrant people.

Here is an exercise to begin changing your habit of not speaking your mind:

• This week, think of a situation in your life where you aren’t speaking up. Think of just one, for now. Then, take a look at your schedule and think when you will see that person this week. Take some time beforehand and rehearse how you will say what you need to say to them. Give yourself at least twenty minutes or a half hour to allow some space to work it through. Write down a scrip, and then practice saying it in as friendly and non-aggressive a way as possible.
• Choose something you’re not too wrapped up in so that it’s easier the first time around. Once you have some success with the easy ones, take on successively heavier situations over time. Stay with it, and see how much progress you can make with letting go of resentments and bad feelings towards people in your life.
• This isn’t suggesting you continually go around voicing your complaints about people. And it’s also not about insisting someone change just because you spoke your mind. How they respond isn’t your concern right now. The intention of the exercise is simply to shift the pattern of not speaking up. In this way you use your irritation as a way to move forward, and to take new steps towards more authenticity.

By Craig Mollins