Anger frequently plays out during communication with others. For all kinds of reasons, relating with other people triggers our anger patterns. There are things we can do so that anger creates less problems for us while communicating. Here is an exercise that is quite powerful in this regard. You need a willing partner for this:

Sit facing your partner, either on the ground on cushions or in chairs. Sit close enough to have an intimate conversation. Here’s what you do. Each person is going to take fifteen minutes to speak to the other, and the other person is going to listen for that fifteen minutes. So one person speaks and the other listens, for a full fifteen minutes.

The person listening only listens. They don’t ask questions, or say things like, “Wow that’s interesting.” When you listen, you are a pure set of ears; you are purely in the receptive mode. Your job is to listen as fully as you can. You can meet the eyes of the speaker or not, or whatever helps you to listen the best. You can also make small acknowledgment sounds like “Uh huh” and such.

The person speaking just speaks. Just say what you want to say. You can have space, gaps where you don’t say anything if you feel like that. It’s your time, and you get to share whatever you like with the other person. There is no strategy involved. In fact it’s important that you don’t plan what you are going to say ahead of time.

Simply sit down with your partner, decide who is going to listen first, and do it. Have an alarm clock or watch set for fifteen minutes. The listener keeps track of the time, but don’t keep looking at the clock, as your main role is to listen. Towards the end, after thirteen minutes, give the speaker a two minute notice.

When the first fifteen minutes is up, be precise and polite and let the speaker know the time is up. Stand for a moment to stretch and breathe. Then reset the time and switch roles, without any big discussion or commentary.

When you are done the second session, take a moment or two for a bathroom break, and then have a brief reflection together on what you experienced of both speaking and listening. Keep it simple and non conceptual; simply share your experience, rather than your thoughts about your experience. For example: “I felt very nervous at first, but then….” Or, “I really enjoyed listening more than speaking, which surprised me…”

O.K., give it a try.

This exercise has many purposes, but generally it is to help you see clearly and shift your habitual patterns with speaking and listening. And because communication is where anger so often comes up, this can also bring clarity and space to your anger patterns.

This exercise is very intimate, and you may find it mildly terrifying to approach it. Especially at first it can be unnerving to be so naked and stripped of your habitual ways of speaking and listening. Don’t let that stop you from trying though. For most people once you get going, after a minute or two you’ll settle into the process and it can open up from there.

By Craig Mollins