In order to develop better anger management skills and make progress with the anger in our life, an effective tool is the ability to have mindful presence. Simply stated, mindful presence is the ability to be there with ourself and our state of mind, while at the same time having some sense of perspective, being able to step back and release ourselves from being caught up in our thoughts and emotions.

This doesn’t mean we don’t feel the intensity of our own state of mind. In fact our awareness and our feelings become even more vivid because we aren’t running away from them. But the vividness is workable, for the simple reason that we’re actually there with ourself and our life, and so we can work with it.

For example if someone does something that we experience as mean and hurtful, we often freeze and close down in protection. It’s a normal response to freeze, but when the freezing continues too long we get into trouble. Often times, after the initial threat has passed we are still shut down, and rather than relate to our hurt feelings, we distract ourselves by spinning up anger. All communication is shut down and we become more and more angry.

We fantasize and/or activate a plan to get even. We create a protective wall through gossip and putting the other person down behind their back. We do whatever we can to avoid feeling the rawness of our naked state of being. Meanwhile our anger hardens more and our pain increases. Our anger management has gone out the window, and anger is now running the show.

Mindful Anger Management

With mindful presence, we are able to stop, feel, and look clearly at our experience. We feel the hurt and fear in our chest, and we feel the burning energy of anger pounding through our veins. We breathe all that, and we keep our seat with the present reality of our being. Instead of running away from what we’re feeling, we sit with it, and we allow the vividness of our emotions and our body to be there as long as they need to.

When we do this, after some period of time the angry feelings start to subside and the hurt softens into an open tenderness. Along with this we’re left with a clarity of what we need to do in the situation. We see the other person’s pain – when someone is hurtful to others it’s always the case that they are in pain – or we see our part in the situation. Or perhaps we see that we projected the whole thing due to our own patterns of wounding.

Whatever the case, mindful presence allows us to see things more clearly, and from there we can move forward with intelligence and confidence. Being present in this way helps you take charge of your state of mind and your life, and improve your anger management skills. There are lots of ways to cultivate the ability of presence, some of which you can learn about here.

By Craig Mollins