One of the reasons many of us have anger management problems is that we don’t let anger be as it is. Anger is energy, and if we allow it to naturally arise in our body and mind without manipulating it, it will dissipate much faster than when we would expect.

There is no problem with the anger itself; the problem is in the way we avoid experiencing it on its own terms. Instead of meeting anger face to face, we go around the direct experience of anger. When anger arises, we usually use one of two habitual avoidance responses: 1. We act anger out, or 2. We suppress anger.

1. Acting Out Anger

We act out our anger in obvious and not so obvious ways. The obvious ones include yelling, physically smashing our fist or foot etc., getting pissed off at someone for something they did or said, blaming them, waging psychological warfare, etc.

Other ways of acting out are more subtle. For instance, self hatred is a way of acting out our anger. It’s common to blame someone else when we’re mad at them, but although we may not think of it, blaming ourselves is more or less the same process. It’s a question of style. Some people are more prone to lashing out and others to punishing themselves.

2. Suppressing Anger

The other basic way we avoid experiencing the raw energy of anger is that we suppress it. This is basically the opposite of acting out. When the intensity of anger arises we just seize up. We freeze our feeling mechanisms and the anger disappears into the darkness of ignorance.

One example of suppressed anger is when someone is repeatedly hurtful to you, but you’re basically indifferent and/or numb to the whole situation. Similarly, any time there is something extra difficult in your life and you are vague and aloof towards it, there is likely some suppressed anger involved.

This is much trickier to see than acting out. It’s more difficult to be aware of suppression because of its very nature. We don’t know we’re suppressing because what we’re doing is actively ignoring, at a very deep level. But even though we’re not aware of it, it’s happening nonetheless.

Experiencing Anger on its Own Terms

Acting out and suppression amount to the same thing: In either case we don’t experience anger in a healthy way, and this gets us into trouble. The ironic thing about avoiding the energy of anger is that avoiding it is the very thing that keeps us stuck in anger. But if we can learn to stay with the intensity of anger when it first comes up, it will move through us and self liberate into space. This kind of anger management is a matter of learning to allow anger to be, simply as it is without manipulating it in any way at all.

This isn’t anything esoteric, but is simply the natural progression when we let go of our hard grip on anger. The intensity of the energy will arise, crescendo, and then simply dissolve.

Chronic anger problems happen because of habitual ways of responding to this natural energy. But you can change the habitual patterns with guidance, practice, and the willingness to let go.

When you start to work with the energy of anger, at first it’s very intense. But over time you can learn to loosen the tight shell of resistance to the energy, and gradually the whole situation will start to soften.

By Craig Mollins